Survivor stories

The Woman in Black

I lay in bed next to the partner I loved and decided the only way I could stop him from hurting me was to kill myself. That decision felt like a huge relief. The 11 year nightmare would be over. I slept that night for the first time in months.

In the morning I revisited the idea of suicide. It was a good idea, the best I’d had in a long time I thought – but it dawned on me that if I did kill myself he would win. He would become the victim and not me. I could see him weeping at my funeral, our friends consoling him and them thinking that I was the coward. Yet as he became more mentally ill and unstable I knew that one day, and one day very soon, he was likely to take my life or kill both of us.

I rang Women’s AID Lancashire. Odd I thought, a man ringing a women’s organisation. But they were tremendous. They did a risk assessment and advised me to leave as a matter of urgency. They told me that there were refuges and safe houses for men. Not many but a few. They found me a place in Derbyshire (too close to where I was currently living) or Mid Wales. I’d never heard of Mid Wales. North and South yes, but never mid. I boarded the train to Newtown penniless, toothless and frightened. All I had in the world was what I was wearing and a few clothes in a small bag. I imagined the refuge would be grotty, unsafe, and full of drug addicts and in a terrible neighbourhood. But it was my only hope. I was to be met at the train station by a woman who would be wearing black and in a black car. It sounded ominous.

The woman in black was waiting on the platform and we shook hands – the warmth in her smile and eyes gave me an immediate sense of reassurance and safety. I wanted to cry but I felt that if I started crying I would never stop.

The house was a large newly built semi detached property. It had 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and was on quite a smart modern housing estate. Inside it was immaculate. As was the garden to the rear of the house. The two other men who lived there welcomed me. A member of refuge staff gave me food and a supply of toiletries. I had my own large bedroom, very comfortably furnished with clean bedding and towels. It had a small TV and music centre. The living-room had a library and games and the kitchen had all mod cons. It was a million times better than I had imagined.

Although I did not sleep that first night I did feel safe.

In the morning I met with my key worker who would support me for the duration of my stay. Over coffee and biscuits she took me through safe house living. Of course there were rules – no visitors, don’t give out your address, no smoking or alcohol and all things that made common sense. I was given some money to keep me going and a hamper of food. I had never signed on before and she explained how the benefits system worked and took me to the job centre. She showed me around the local area and pointed me to the doctors, library and so on. All of a sudden I felt strangely at home.

The men in the house were immediately supportive. One of them had his young daughter there too and she brought laughter to the home. We shared our complex stories and gave each other peer support. I bonded with these two fellows who I would probably never have come across in ordinary life as we were all so very different. We remain friends now.

There are so many great things about MFCC. One is that they provide a complete package of services from supported housing, benefits advice, emotional support, practical support and they are able to accurately sign post you to a multitude of other services. Another is that MFCC ‘get it’. They know where you have been and all of the complexities that are involved with domestic abuse. They know the insecurities and vulnerabilities you have when you leave and they know how challenging it is to start life again. Because they work as a strong team you simply can’t fall through the net. The community support and after care they offer is also invaluable. Living in the safe house is like living in a ‘bubble’ and leaving it is tough. But they continue supporting you for as long as you need.

The strangest thing for me about domestically abusive or violent relationships is that you love the person who is destroying you. And they destroy you in many ways, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, sexually and so on. I was ashamed to tell my support worker that I missed my partner and was grieving. But she totally understood this. She explained that this was part of the healing process and that she would support me through it. Which she did!

During my stay at the safe house my partner informed the Housing Association where I lived that I had passed away. Despite him not being my next of kin – the Association believed him and put all of my possessions into land fill. When they told my neighbours why they were clearing my flat the neighbours held a wake that evening. By chance I happened to call a neighbour some days later and another party was held to celebrate my living. I was devastated at losing so many irreplaceable items of sentimental value. I was of course also now homeless. MFCC held me up and got me through the loss. They sign posted me to a brilliant Solicitor and matters were resolved.

A priority for me was to have dental treatment. My partner had kicked me in the head and face and had knocked out 5 of my front teeth and damaged others. This was all arranged by MFCC and given my dental phobia; staff held my hand as the treatment was provided over an extended period.

As my confidence and self esteem returned I chose to volunteer and regain or learn new skills. People asked me if I had thought of staying in the area and I explained I could never live in such a remote setting. But after a year I decided to settle in the area and set up a small business. The community has accepted me with open arms and I also work in a local pub. I never dreamt that this would happen.

MFCC gave me a new lease of life. Two years on I have found stability and happiness. Because of MFCC I believe I have not only survived I have thrived. The staff team and volunteers really are the unsung heroes!